More Words

I just thought I'd post a couple of Maddy's new words or phrases.

Here word of the last few weeks was: Commie, which means come here.

This week's word is: Basketball, which means she wants to put some put balls in a laundry basket and swirl them around.

Thanks to Joe from Blue's Clues, she knows what a trapazoid is and knows how to make chartreuse from primary colours. Who says television isn't educational?

Sorry, I don't have much energy right now to type, but I do love you with all my heart.

Of Historical Significance

This was something I wrote in response to an old friend's email. I thought I'd share it because it's also historical:

Right now, I can hear my daughter wake from sleep. She's singing something indiscernible in false etto. She a regular PJ Harvey. She makes me proud. She catches a ball, knows all of her colors and animals (she also knows what sounds they make). Can fit together puzzles made for three year olds, she dances better than Ellen. She's got style I can't even imagine. She eats spinach. She's strong, beautiful and I have no doubt that she'll be a famous musician or athlete. And even if she isn't, she's the most amazing girl I've ever met.

Christian is doing well. Even though his diabetes is a "bummer" as you appropriately penned it, he's still trying not to let it get him down, but he's around teenagers at school and their favorite past times are listening to their IPODS and EATING, which makes him want to eat, too. It's to fit in, more than out of hunger. After school, on his bus, all of the kids break out food and share it. He admits that he's been partaking a little too much, which explains some of his high blood sugar readings. I tell him the dangers, he nods. He's sick of hearing it already. I tell him the benefits of not eating crap: longer life with limbs not amputated, functioning kidneys and eyes he can see out of. Not enough sometimes for a kid. That's what I have to remember. Even though he acts mature about some things, he's still my little boy. I'm going to slip some sugar free Cream Savers into his backpack that he can eat, so he doesn't feel left out.

He makes a comic called Nice Ninja Guy-all stick figures, but apparently, it's the writing that keeps them coming back. He puts the comic in comics. He likes to write, but is getting a C- in his writer's workshop class. He hates structure. He writes short stories at home. He likes to write about cars. That boy and his cars.

(This is to my Richie)

My family is so beautiful. I'm the luckiest girl, ever.

I love you .

My Little Wordsmiths

Maddy's words of the month are:

UH OH!

She still loves vacuum and yellow, but she really loves uh oh. She says it even when she does something thing right way. It's just fun for her to say. It's after one in the afternoon and I can hear her playing in her crib instead of taking a nap. All I have to say is, "Uh oh." I hope it's not a sign that she's outgrowing naps.

Christian's word of the month is:

TAMPON

Unfortunately, his word choice stemmed from an inappropriate comment I made while we were playing Pineapple one night with UM. Hilarity ensued when Sasa thought it was open season and told his thirty-five year old uncle to change his tampon.

Anyway, I should try to get some writing done, for what it's worth.

I love you with all that I am.

Anniversary of a Loss

Today is the day my grandmother died 12 years ago. I'm not overly sad today. I actually think about her everyday and I've been trying to focus on the positive things that she did for me. She did a lot. The negative things are irrelevant considering the life I have now. Sometimes the negative memories surface and I have to think about what she was dealing with: six (sometimes unruly, sometimes ungrateful, sometimes insolent) grandkids, hardly any outside help, rheumatioid arthritis, an alcoholic/dead daughter, an ailing/dead mother, an alcoholic/dead brother (whom she seemed close to), a custody battle for a child that seemed not much worth keeping at times, and continuous financial desperation. Geez, what a life. She took it all in stride and later, when I was older, her and I began to relate to her in a way that I had envied the others for my whole life. It was great, and then she died. This is life.

I miss her, but I always have her with me. She is part of me.

I'm on a posting every couple of weeks kick. There's a lot to write, but I haven't been feeling very prolific lately. Maybe it's the sad news on the homefront. Relatives with health issues. More reasons to be sad, but thankful at the same time.

It's frustrating when you want the best things for people, to see them get less. Sometimes it's not their fault. Sometimes they just are tired and settle for something less than they deserve. Sometimes they think they don't deserve anything good. That's my family's curse, I'm afraid.

Anyway, enough negativity. There is always hope. My life is filled with it thanks to Richie and the kids. They are my (as cliched as it is) beacon. A guiding light when everything around me gets dark. Thank you for your love, support and understanding (aka forgiving my witchy demeanor).

I love you all.

Christmas Past

I really enjoyed Christmas this year. Not just the day, but the entire season leading up to it. Everyday after Thanksgiving, Maddy and I listened to the Brenda Lee, Elvis and Deano Christmas CD while we ate breakfast. We usually would finish breakfast around the time Elvis was singing "Blue Christmas". Then we would start the CD over again so we could dance to the upbeat Brenda Lee songs. It was especially memorable to see Madeline dance to "Marshmallow World" with her Nana. I'm glad we have that on tape.

Christmas Eve was fun. Everyone got along, nobody pointed fingers and people just sat around and visited. The kids were spastic, as kids should be on Christmas Eve. Maddy had fun playing with her older cousins. Sasa ran around Aunt Val's house showing off his new cell phone (the ringtone was We Wish You a Merry Christmas). We sang Christmas carols and I felt like a kid again sitting next to my sister Val. She and I giggled and I caught Richie looking over at us, smiling. As usual, the food was extraordinary (Michael and Val always make great food, plus Leslie's turkey and gravy and David's pototoes were delicious).

Christmas Day at Nana's was nice, but it was the first year that Deb didn't make it. She had to work and then she got Streptococci of the throat. What gives, man? Doing dishes this year sucked, as Deb used to be my kitchen buddy and all-around nerd. Richie and I missed her geeky antics. But it was still a beautiful day because we got to see Maddy interact with her Nana and Auntie. She made them smile a lot.

No matter how old the kids get, we're going to make them participate in all the family rituals whether the like it or not. Later when they're adults, they'll realized that they actually loved it and will thank us for it. I'm not sure if Christian's going to be an arm-twisty kind of adolescent. I hope not. I think he'll always see the merit in family activities.

Anyway, when we get the Christmas pictures back, I'll post the good ones. For now, here are a couple that we got on our new digital (Thanks, Nana). I have to try and get some housework done. So many empty boxes to squash.

I love you, Richie. With all my heart.

Maddy's word of the week is...

YELLOW

Death and Rebirth: A Christmas Story

I remember after my grandmother had passed away (she was dying around Christmas time) that I lost my appreciation for the holiday. Watching her waste away kind of tainted my spirit. This was especially hard because I had Christian. I had to put on a happy face for him. Of course I loved him and the time we spent together around the holidays, but for some reason, I couldn't get passed the associations I had made with Christmas and the decline of my grandmother.

Richie has regenerated my Christmas spirit. I'm excited about the traditions again. I sing along to the music and I feel the joy that people are expected to feel this time of the year. I'm lucky to have him in my life for so many reasons.

I should get going. I need to hang some lights around the windows, wrap some presents and defrag my hard drive. 'Tis the season.

I love you this day and always.

A Real Gall Buster

Madeline's verbal skills are really taking off. She's saying some fairly complicated words correctly, like flower and vacuum. However, she's kind of a show-off and often throws the big words into conversations where they don't apply. For instance, she'll be naming everything in the dining room. It begins with wall, fan, phone, floor and then she sees outside of the window and says outside, trees and flower, which are within view. Then when you least expect it, she says VACUUM, as if she just happened to notice it outside next to the tree on the grass.

She also says awesome and Hi Furry, which are crowd pleasers over at Nana's. Sasa was notorious for his good manners, and she has followed in her big brother's footsteps with mastering please, thank you and sorry. My favorite of his was when he was about her age now and he would say excuse me with such clarity and sincerity.

Maddy's finally starting to pronounce gall as ball after how many months? But it is often due to trickery that she slips up and says it. She seems to be losing the gall/ball game. I'd almost like to throw this game if it meant keeping her as our little for a bit longer.

I'm pathetic.

I love you.

Mondays Are Dreary Without You

The rain is consistent today. This storm is the harbinger of indoor playtime. I can see my breath when I take Madeline outside to play. What's worse is that I can see hers. Her little nose is getting red and her hands are turning to ice. We can play in the garage for a while, before that too becomes wintery. I will resign myself to eating more pretend meatball soup and dancing to Mary Timony's Ex-Hex album (highly recommended for those with an indie-pop/rock sensibility). I will attempt to engineer fantastic block structures with the assistance of my more deconstructive than constructive daughter. She's getting there though. She's almost a contributor of society.

I get to see Sasa on Wednesday and see how his blood sugars held up over the Thanksgiving holiday. Maybe we'll get Jimboy's again if I can snag a coupon (pronounced q-pon, not coopon).

I need to get some writing done while the dragon slumbers.

I love you.

Children of the Corn

Sasa took this picture of Richie and I in the corn maze. As we walked through, we kept making corny jokes, like, "Isn't this amazing?"

Doesn't Richie look good in brown? It's because of his tan skin, according to Christian. I might have to agree.

Bumpkins and Pumpkins

Here are some pictures from our trip to the Pumpkin Patch (why capitalize it?). The one directly to the right is the re-creation (it was fun, too) of the picture of Christian from when he was two.

Saving the Best for Last

There seems to be something deep within the gene that transcends what science has yet to explain. How can a child exemplify mannerisms of one of their parents without ever witnessing that behavior. Both Richie and I have seen Madeline sleeping the exact way Richie does. He sleeps on his stomach with one hand on his forehead as if to prop up his head. It's really cute and cuddly.

Well, this morning I was giving Maddy her snack and I had broken her blueberry waffle into small pieces and I was putting them on her tray for her to eat. When there was only one piece left, I told her, "Ok, last bite, then you get some applesauce." She attempted to say applesauce and as she held up the last bite of waffle and studied it. She then put it back down on her tray and poked it with her finger. "Aren't you going to eat that?" I asked her, but she was pointing at the bowl saying, "Ah," which means, "Put some applesauce in my bowl, mother."

I put the applesauce in her bowl and she began eating voraciously. I only put a small amount of food in her bowl, otherwise it ends up on her lap and on the floor and on the walls. Whenever she finishes what's in her bowl, she hands the spoon to me. I give her a refill of applesauce. While I'm doing this, I catch her again, studying that last bite of waffle. When she noticed there was applesauce to eat, she set down the waffle and picked up the spoon. After she had finished all of her applesauce, she picked up the piece of waffle and said, "More," and ate it. Just like her Dad, she saved the best bite for last. I was amazed at her control. It was very untoddler like.

I just had to share this with you because I love you. Now I need to go write a novel.

Me and You and Everyone We Know...

are probably applying for that position at Learning to Love You More. I thought about it as I my body spasmed into sleep last night and I knew in the beginning of my dream sequence that I was perfect for the job. In your dreams you can be anything, including an axe murderer, so it makes just as much sense for me to be confident and self-assured.

While I'm awake, I know I'm great at what I do, which is giving care to our 19-month-old daughter. I wish I could have been the kind of mother I am now for my son when he was younger. I know my love for him was as strong. I can only make the best of what I have now, which isn't as much as I'd like. But I savor ever moment with him.

I love you and I love you all.

What You Can Find in the Laundry

After Madeline eats breakfast and watches her Blue's, we go into my bathroom so I can get ready for the day. I always turn on music and we dance together in between brushing my teeth and putting on my clothes. Well, while I was spitting out toothpaste, I found Maddy digging through our dirty clothes hamper. The first thing she pulled out was a pair of my dirty underwear, which she almost instinctually put up to her nose. "No, that's gross," I said and buried it deep in the hamper. She then said, "Dadat, Dadat." I kept telling her that Daddy had to go bye bye to work in the car, but she was looking in the hamper while repeating "Dadat". I finally figured out that she wanted one of Richie's shirts. I took one out (it happened to be the scrub top that was wearing when she saw him for the first time) and spread it on the bed. She rested her head on it and said, "Nighnigh." I just about died.

So, if you every think for even one second that your daughter doesn't miss you during the day, you're wrong. Dead wrong.

Well, I should probably go write a novel. I'm doing the National Novel Writing Month thingy where people all over the nation try to write a novel in a month (in case the title wasn't implicit enough).

I love you.

"Hey, I appreciate your time."

I know this blog is mostly about my family, but I feel (maybe it's because we watch Arrested Development incessantly) that the Bluths are family. Here's a picture David, I mean, G.O.B. at the Gothic Castle. This is the episode where he steals Michael's watch while Michael's trying to steal Marta 2. I love it when people thank me for my time. Time is the most important thing, with the exception of breakfast. I mean, family.

I love you.

What Doesn't Kill You...

Here is a picture of me from what I think was a third grade field trip. It was back in the day when they threw caution to the wind and let eight-year-olds tour the quarantine unit. At least we had those flimsy paper masks and hats to keep protect our noses and heads from the ebola. This picture previously contained my once two friends, Ramona and Nina, the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Sister Frances's class. I cut them out of the picture for this reason. I also cut out the knife that was sticking in my back. Thank you, photo manipulation software for resurfacing the rough texture of my childhood.

I thought Richie might like this one because I always say that Maddy looks like me from the eyes up, so it's almost looking at a fast forwarded picture of Madeline (sometimes I call her Mabs). It's uncanny because in this picture I have the same haircut that she has now. Uncanny.

Richie, if you find me dead when you get home, it's because I ate that lasagna that's been in the freezer for months. You really need to read that essay by Angela Carter about the life of Lizzie Borden. Everytime I think of rotten food, that essay comes to mind. It's not like an essay you had to write in college. It reads more like a story.

Anyway (my favorite transitional word), I need to go spray paint spider thoraxes (thoraxi), so I'll cut it off here.

I love you, always.

Today Sucks.

Ok, it's not the end of the world and I shouldn't be complaining, but Richie's still in Irvine, Maddy's sick and I should have signed up for overdraft protection.

On a lighter note (although, the previous note wasn't necessarily very heavy or dark), we had a good time at the pumpkin patch. There were herds of different colored shirted children from different school programs. Maddy wasn't as crazy about the goats as I was hoping. I mean, she was genuinely interested in them, but didn't want to touch them with a ten-foot pole. Maybe it was the smell. She did pick up one of the goat's brushes and tried to brush her own hair with it. I freaked out and snatched it out of her hand. The goose freaked the hell out her. Christian made friends with a lonely steer and we saw a pile of piglets, one of which had a lump of its mother's poop on its back. It was picturesque.

We tried to recreate the photo from below using Madeline as the subject, but we would have had more luck finding a needle in a haystack at that place than an actual haystack. When we finally did, it was in a hillbilly auditorium of sorts. I only got one shot of her and I don't know if her eyes were closed or if she was looking at the camera. Oh, well. At least we have the memory.

I love and miss you.

Christian age 2 at Bishop's.

Hay Fever

This Wednesday, Christian, Maddy, Richie and I are going to Bishop's Pumpkin Farm. I can't wait. It's Maddy's first trip to the patch that I've been taking Christian to since he was two. The thing I'm most anxious to see is Maddy's reaction to the baby goats. Christian always loved feeding them and one of the pictures that is stuck in my head is of a baby goat eating oats out of his cupped hands. His expression is a combination of fear, awe and excitement. His cheeks were all rosey and kissable.

I'll post pictures and a detailed report of our day. I can't wait. God, I'm a geek.

I love you.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Today, I'm contemplative. About nothing in particular, but I'm not spacing out, at the same time. I'm really thinking about things. About the life I chose and about how I got smarter. I used to be one of those people who acted like they didn't know how to have the life they wanted. Maybe I was psychologically impaired for a while and that hindered my good decision making. But I'm proud of the person I'm becoming now, for it's always an ongoing process. Even when you're thirty-two.

There's nothing more frustrating to me now than to hear someone tell me about an aspect of their life that they are miserable about and it's something that's totally fixable. I used to get sucked into other people's problems and make them my own and not sleep at night. I seemed to be growing out of that, too, thankfully. Well, not the not sleeping at night part. I still do that for other reasons.

I'm excited about my future with my family. I'm interested in seeing who Christian and Madeline become. They are amazing children right now. Christian's wit and intellect will get him far. He really is a sharp kid. He's not afraid of making an ass out of himself in front of others and that's one of the most important keys to enjoying life. Maddy is a pistol, as Grandma would say. She's got a bit of my temperment, but she knows when stop. She hasn't fully exhibited her Pisces sensibility yet. I hope she acts more like Richie than me. He is definitely more patient and kind.

I love you.